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Home > Get Stuff > > "The Secret Marriage Killer: Eradicating Verbal and Emotional Abuse"
Spouse Abuse Was The Last Thing I Thought Was Going On In Our Marriage.
My Husband Thought It Was Me. I Thought It Was Our Bad Communication. But I Didn't Recognize the Emotional Abuse.
So We Learned Advanced Techniques to End the Abuse--and We Started to Heal.
Hi,
My name is Jill.
I don't know if you can begin to understand what the communication in our relationship was like, but maybe you can; maybe you've been there. When I met Tom, he couldn't do enough for me. He was the sweetest man on earth. The fact that he'd had two previous failed marriages, well, I figured that was because those women must have been nuts. It was obvious to me that Tom couldn't possibly be to blame. Ha! Little did I know.
Now, if you asked me to take a microscope and look at our relationship really closely, well, yeah, there were signs. There are always signs of emotional abuse we don't want to take seriously, aren't there? Like how he would always choose the movie we'd see or the restaurant. At first, I liked that. It made me feel taken care of, special. I didn't have a problem with it. Heck, I didn't even pay attention to it. Being controlling was the last thing I'd have thought he was.
And besides, he was so good and so kind otherwise. I felt like a million dollars. He tried to make friends with my two kids as well. He actually talked to them. That was kind of nice, too. Four months later, we got married, and then little by little, things got weird. I didn't see it at first. You don't see spousal abuse too clearly all the time; the guy does NOT have to be beating you up physically. The things that happened were really small and it took years for me to catch on that my husband was an abuser.
Tom decided that I couldn't visit my folks for Thanksgiving. He had some reason, I forget what. He decided that I spent too much time on the phone with my sister. Then he decided that I wasn't good with money and he had to control all of it. I worked too. I am not a stupid person! I was in banking for years and was already the manager--but he managed to convince me that I was like the shoemaker who didn't make shoes for my kids. He said I only knew how to handle money at work, but not at home, so he would do it "for" me.
And I couldn't argue with him. I couldn't speak up for myself or he'd get really angry. I couldn't take the yelling, the rages. I would do anything to not bring those on. But no matter what I did, I got hurt anyway. If I told him he was right, just to make him feel good, he'd throw it up to me for years afterwards that I should have listened to him.
If I told him he was wrong, he'd either fight or sulk. And I can't say that the sulking was any more bearable than the yelling. What I needed--and didn't have at the time--was a clear definition of verbal abuse.
And he'd want my undivided attention all the time. I had no life any more. Over the years, I gave up my friends, I gave up my hobbies, I gave up everything. If he didn't like something, how things turned out, or how I wanted to do something, he would either yell or mock me. The put-downs got worse and worse over the years. The blame was incredible. There was absolutely nothing that he wouldn't blame me for. Imagine this: If he lost his wallet, it was my fault!
If things didn't go right in his job, that was my fault too! How did he do that? How did he convince me that he was right? I swear, I don't know. I can only tell you that life looked very gray. I was crying every day.
And I'd better not let him find me crying or he'd start accusing me of playing on his sympathy. Not that he had any. I really thought there was something wrong with me, especially since he kept telling me that.
And you have to understand, he was well liked outside the house. You couldn't tell anyone what he was like at home because they would absolutely not think I was talking about the same guy. He was pleasant and charming, with a big smile and warmth for everyone. Only I knew how uptight and miserable he really was.
Oh yes, that's a part of it. He was miserable. I could tell. No matter how much he tried to make all the misery in his life my fault, it didn't make him feel any better. And I guess that is part of what kept me there, that part of it where I felt sorry for him, for the stress he was under. And you have to understand: This bad stuff didn't take place all day every day. There were good moments. Moments he decided to take the children out (we had two of our own, too) and we all laughed and there were no fights. Those times were rare, but they kept me believing in the good person he was underneath everything.
I'm going to let Tom chime in here, because the rest of the story is nothing short of amazing.
This is Tom speaking. 
Take a look at this picture of me at work and you can see how my work stresses me out. And you can imagine that I really did not like coming home to fights. You guys, you'll understand me if I tell you that I didn't like my rages. I hated myself. I hated Jill. I hated life. I hated everything. And of course I didn't want to think about all that. I didn't want to feel that awful, horrible feeling of being stupid, dumb --- wrong! I also didn't want to admit to myself the bad state I was in. So I had to blame it all on Jill. And that didn't help anyway. Things just went from bad to worse for me.
Now you have to understand, I'm not a beast; I'm not illiterate. For Pete's sake, I'm an attorney! Didn't matter. All my years of training and success didn't matter. I felt like less than two cents mostly every day. I tried really hard to cover it up. Yeah, I even used some substances I won't name here; partying was another way to not hurt. And it worked, except that it didn't work long enough and the good it did wasn't good enough to combat the pain I was in.
Now, I want you to understand something: I had no idea I was an abuser. I also had no idea I was in emotional pain. If you'd have asked me about either question, I'd have denied it. But our problems got worse and worse.
We searched for answwers everywhere--psychiatrists, psychologists, self-help books--and nothing worked. What they didn't understand was that I was hurting badly. They didn't understand that, inside, I was still an abused little kid. Well, at the time, I didn't either. Sure, they could give my wife "techniques" to "deal with" me. But what did they give to ME? Nothing.
Then we got lucky. We found DrDeb's book online.
As I started reading, I knew that this book would be different than any other form of help we'd gotten before. DrDeb doesn't take sides. She doesn't automatically come to the wife's defense--or the husband's. You feel as if, while you're reading it, that she is right there in your home, just listening and understanding everything. That might be the first time (outside of a courtroom) that I felt listened to and understood.
You know why reading that book felt that way? Because it asks questions! It asks you to think about where you're going, what you want out of the relationship. It was quite liberating, in fact. As I poured through it, one day I found myself crying as I told Jill how deeply sorry I was to have hurt her. I'll let my wife take over here; this isn't easy for me.
It's Jill here, picking up the story. You'll have no idea what that meant to me, when Tom apologized. It was the first time he ever did. And that was just the beginning.
His voice lost its edge. Do you know what I mean, that edge of anger in it? It kind of faded away and I haven't heard it since. We started talking. He started respecting my opinion. He started saying, "I think" or "In my opinion," instead of making proclamations as if the Heavens had communicated Truth only to him. He became a changed man, better than the man he was when we first married.
[Let me tell you something else: We never realized until we started working with DrDeb that Tom's mother--not his father--was his abuser. His mom was the one with the put-downs, the total lack of belief in him. (Did you know that if all parents do is not believe in their child, that can be emotional abuse? We really got a clear of verbal abuse.) His dad just was a shaddow to him; he worked long and hard hours, I guess, just to get away from her. His mom's gone now, so I want you to know that they made up before she died. That was also through DrDeb's book.]
That isn't all. The book helped me, too. I never realized that because I was so insecure from my own childhood, I would overlook an awful lot of the abuse.
That's how you get sucked into living with it: You don't even see it coming. First, when I realized what he had been doing to me, I was really angry. I mean really, really angry. He couldn't do anything right. It helped me get through that too. It helped me regain my real self so I was able to get some perspective on who I was and not be afraid to express it. Well, I'll sign off now and let DrDeb tell you herself how she did it.
Hi, I'm Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D., but you can just call me DrDeb!
What is it I do that REQUIRES the participation of the perpetrator--and why EVERY perpetrator I work with loves and appreciates my approach? What is it that most psychologists and counselors don't know or won't accept?
Emotional and Verbal Abuse Won't Stop Because You're "A Good Person"
It Won't Stop Because You Took An Anger Management Class Either.
It'll Stop When You Both HEAL From Your Current--and Childhood--Abuse
Now, you're probably thinking if it was that simple how come no one is doing it that way? And, furthermore, how does healing from old history change anything in my life NOW?"
You're right--we also have to work on eradicating the abuse that's going on NOW; but if that's all we work on, we're not doing the complete job.
Simply put, if abusers don't want to tell and victims are afraid to speak up, then unless a counselor has been really well trained in detecting abuse, it won't be detected.
In addition to their own anger at the abusers (which is not the position that a healer should take) the savvy counselors--the ones who can tell when an abuser is abusing--generally don't know how to engage the abuser in the therapy process. That's probably 99% of them. THAT's probably the biggest reason why they make the victim do all the work.
The really big problem with that--aside from the huge burden it places on the victim and the lower success rate--is that THE PERPETRATOR WON'T HEAL. Nothing the spouse can do will ever make up for childhood abuse except direct healing of the childhood trauma.
Why is healing so crucial to the relationship?
Because the vast, overwhelming majority of abusers don't want to abuse. They are good people who act badly because of their traumatic childhoods. They get caught up in their emotions. And white-knuckling it while they use anger management techniques is not a way to live.
With HEALING, learning how to relate lovingly becomes a whole lot easier to learn and a pleasure to do. The old things just don't get their dander up any more.
This book spells out an exact system for overcoming abuse and healing your marriage. As many people put it, they got more out of that book than they had in all their previous counseling.
The information in this Book is both digital and should be downloaded AND you will receive a looseleaf binder and CD of the book!
PLEASE FOLLOW DOWNLOAD DIRECTIONS TO START READING TODAY!
"Hi Debby,
I wanted to let you know that words cannot describe what you have done for our family, the change, the joy, the calm. Each and everyone of us feels a tremendous uplifting and are excited to live again.
My thought every day is how to get other people with similar problems to know of your work and achievements to be able to help them as well.
Your approach is very different than any other. Others have said that in an abusive relationship nothing helps, well we have news for them!
The process is not an easy one; however, it is worth every moment, every effort and much more. We have received our lives back and I thank you dearly for that."
FLORIDA
"Frustrated, hurting and tired, we both knew we needed help. We had read other books and tried marriage counseling, but the same issues resurfaced again and again. The effects of our arguing or cold war (depending on the moment) was not only hurting ourselves it was affecting our kids. We saw them yelling or retreating into silence - hmmm...wonder where they could have learned that from?!!
We discovered DrDeb on an internet search. After reading her book my first reaction was hope (it had been awhile since I had felt that).
The book is written in such a way that it is easy to understand where the problems arise from. With the new information we have begun to see how our past abuse, which growing up in our families wasn't considered abusive, was affecting us in the present.
Our cirumstances haven't changed. We are still married to each other and the days are full with the same jobs, kids, ex's, inlaws and outlaws (which could be any of those previously mentioned depending on circumstances and how they are acting). The book gives us specific examples and techniques to stop harmful behaviors and coping methods.
With every effort we make to apply the new information, relationships improve and there is a sense of moving in a new direction."
OKLAHOMA
NOTE THAT NO REAL NAMES WILL APPEAR IN THESE TESTIMONIALS TO PRESERVE THE PRIVACY AND CONFIDENTIALITY OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH MARITAL DISTRESS
Here's a taste of what you will learn in this 175 page book chock full of what you need to save your marriage…
- A NO-NONSENSE test of what constitutes violence .(Chapter Three, pages 26-31)
- Why verbal and emotional abuse are worse than physical abuse. (page 31)
- How to stop a verbal abuser in his (her) tracks. (pages 34-35 and 46-48)
- You will discover another little-known secret that can HALT your progress even if you follow everything else perfectly. (This one is scary!) (pages 14-15) and FIVE FOOLPROOF METHODS to lick it once and for all. (pages 117-121)
- A surefire method to STOP once and for all that ridiculous excuse, "It was just a joke." (page 42)
- How to recognize the way power plays control your communications. (pages 96-107)
- Learn the truth about "hypersensitivity" -- and overcoming the five blocks to becoming the sensitive person you need to be to save your marriage. (Chapter Nine, pages 87-94 and Chapter Fifteen, pages 160-166)
- Learn three INCREDIBLE methods to be YOU again. (pages 39, 59-61, and 103-107)
- How to ignite that spark in your relationship again. (this is what you were looking for when you first fell in love!)(pages 167-170)
- The ridiculously simple secret of why you are doomed to repeat the same awful behavior and four amazingly simple things you can do to change it. (pages 128-145)
- Eight FREEING methods to regain your self esteem and HEAL without leaving your marriage. (pages 109-127)
- The steps to identify AND DISSOLVE negative self thoughts. (page 122)
- How to select friends and deal with family to support your self-help program!(pages 123-125)
- How to feel empathy for those you have hurt--so you never do it again. (pages 128-135)
- How to set up boundaries so you're never abused again.(pages 103-104)
- SEVEN WAYS to recover from a fumble. (page 140)
- Why both anger and alcohol are chemical addictions and how you can eliminate them from your life. (page 141-142)
- Eight soothing and healing steps to STOP YELLING. (pages 56-61)
- Fourteen incredible tools to stop blaming forever. (Chapter Eight, pages 72-85)
- Eight MAGIC steps to give up trying to control your spouse (page 101-103)
- Why abusive body language is more devastating than just about any other type of verbal or emotional abuse. (page 49-53)
- Five tools to learn how to lighten up and laugh (Chapter Thirteen, pages 146-150)
- How the psychologists mislabeled "co-dependency" and what it really is. (Chapter Fourteen, pages 152-159)
Now, if you are willing to face yourself and you are committed to your marriage, then I want you to read the book so as to be able to live the happy life you deserve. To put at your fingertips as much help as you can get, I'm throwing in some amazing bonuses worth $670…
And they are absolutely FREE just for buying this Book.
BONUS #1: A three-ring binder WORKBOOK VERSION of the Book (with extra blank pages just in case you need to write a lot!)
I used to sell this bundle as an eBook alone but I have had many, many requests from people for a book that they could sit down with on the sofa and read. So, I went ahead and created a WORKBOOK VERSION of the eBook--and I'm giving you both. There are wide margins for doing all the exercises and I have added extra paper if you need more space to write: I've included blank pages at the back of the book which you can slip in anywhere you want. A binder-style book would be easily worth $140 alone. But it's free.
BONUS #2: A text CD of the book
Many times, I've heard from people who have somehow deleted the file of the eBook on their computer, or their hard drive crashed and they'd like the convenience of reading the ebook on their computer, so I've included a disc of the ebook as well. That's certainly worth $90. It's free, too.
BONUS #3: 101 Questions and Answers from DrDeb
Brand new, I researched years worth of my email and gleaned the absolute best questions and my answers to them. For years, I have been putting those in my newsletter. Now, new ones, not found anywhere else are in this companion book.
Here is what one person, a teen, whose question is included, said to me about the Q & A in my newsletter and how it helped her:
You wanted feedback? I can honestly say that I found your newsletter not only intriguing, but also helpful. One can certainly learn a lot from others' questions, and your answers were thorough with a clinical answer- then followed up with a layman's analogy. I found this incredibly effective because either way- it speaks to the well-educated AND simple minded person. And, for those who needed a "reality check" you were stern but not mean, and for those who simply needed some support and encouragment, that was given as well. I enjoyed reading it and learned some stuff, too.
Now, you can get the benefit of even more questions and answers. These are all new; they are NOT the collected Q & A's from the newsletters. They are in addition to the ones in the newsletter! The title is misleading. It's called "101 Questions & Answers" but actually, there are many more than a hundred and one questions. Most of the time when I had a "conversation" with someone who wrote me--that is, I wrote back, they wrote again, and I followed up with another reply, which could go on for several rounds--I called it "one" Q & A. I really wanted you to get the flavor of a complete examination of what is on people's minds and in their hearts.
This collection is unique: Listening in on other people's concerns will not only shed light on your own. Perhaps even more important, you will never feel alone again in your struggle or pain. What price would I put on this valuable collection? - $95.
BONUS #4
My Revised article, "How to Choose A Counselor"
This is proof that I want you to succeed in your marriage and be happy.
You may be in counseling or want to use psychotherapy along with my book. I give you credit for wanting to maximize all the support you can get. Obviously, if you want to see a counselor, I think you'd do best with me, even if that means working by phone.
But, if, for any reason, you would rather see someone face to face, I want to see you get the BEST help you can. That's why this report is ESSENTIAL to your search for a counselor. It puts you in the driver's seat. You will be able to answer these questions:
* How can I tell if the therapist really understands abuse issues?
* What special perspective should a counselor have that works with couples?
* Why don't traditionally trained psychologists make good marriage counselors?
* What educational level should my counselor have?
* What's wrong with diagnosis and why can it hold back my progress in therapy?
* Should I listen to my gut feeling about the counselor I'm seeing?
* How do I cut my costs?
This is why you need to read this vital article:
My wife and I took a vacation in May together in Orlando at which time I experienced some
feelings that I had never felt before. I felt as if I were under tremendous stress and there was nothing I could do about it. After returning home, I contacted my insurance company which referred me to a local psychiatrist covered under my health care plan. I visited with him and he treated me for depression and anxiety. He prescribed me Lexapro and Xanax and told me to come back in a week, which ended up being two weeks because he had no open appointments in the next week. During our second visit we talked some more about what was on my mind and bothering me. He told me at that time that I did not need his help, he thought I needed to seek a marriage counselor. He referred me to a counselor in his office.
So my wife and I went in to see this counselor that ended being a psychotherapist with little formal education. Neither one of us felt very comfortable after the first visit, but decided to go further. The next visit was with my wife by herself. After that meeting, my wife did not want to continue the sessions because of the way the therapist was making her feel.
So I went on line to Google and searched "marriage counseling" and read through a couple of sites, the second of which was yours.I have learned more in the last 24 hours online than I have in the last six weeks paying tons of money.
FLORIDA
Don't put yourself in the hands of the wrong therapist for something as important as your marriage! Here are more people with the same reaction:
The website is great. It is informative, appealing, and gives a sense of hope.
The way it is written is nicely done. Here is my take on why it is most impressive: 1) The techniques within the book have proven beneficial to others. 2) There is a way to combine your book techniques and traditional therapy. 3) You provide a road map of sorts to find a therapist that will help and not hinder recovery and treatment. An added bonus, in my opinion, is the acknowledgment that there are therapists out there that do make problems worse because they either do not know how to adequately treat the problem/persons or they let their own emotions get in the way of effective treatment. This has a special importance to me because many people who seek treatment and fail will rarely admit that possibly it failed due to bad therapy, which can cause more problems for the person(s) seeking treatment. I have personally had a less-than-admirable therapist in the past. It took finding a great one for the same problem to realize there are bad therapists just as there are bad mechanics, hair dressers, etc.... T is scored extra beanies.
Debby, I think it is wonderful that you are helping so many people. I wish you all the best in this endeavor and I believe you have opened the door to helping so many marriages, mine included.
I'm proud of you and I have enjoyed receiving your newsletters over the past couple months.
Warmest regards,
Samantha Thomas
http://www.paisleyplace.com/samanthathomas/
Dr. Deb,
I'm happy to say my wife and I had a great day Saturday. I have found a counselor with decades of experience who looks at
relationships and problems like you do. We went to him together and spent the rest of the day together. Friday morning I begin sessions with him.
Your book has been a great help so far in finding a counselor that is right for us. I've made another copy of your Book, so I have one for myself and one for my wife.
She has far more personal counseling about our problems.....I should have gone when she wanted me to some years ago. I don't think we would be separated right now had I listened. I'll keep you up on our progress.
Thanks very much!!
FLORIDA
So how much is this one piece of information worth? Well, if finding the right counselor can save a marriage, it isn't possible to put a dollar figure on it. This one report alone should be worth $160. If you're going to see a counselor, it better be the right one.
BONUS #5
Revised article, "Is Couples Counseling Right When One Person Is Abusive?"
This is the report that Anger Management counselors don't want you to read.
This is a MUST HAVE if you're thinking at all of couples counseling. Here's what you'll learn…
*Four reasons why breaking up an abusive couple increases danger for the victim.
*Three conditions under which couples counseling becomes the top pick for abusers and their spouses.
*Why moral neutrality has no place in counseling abusers and their spouses.
Please understand something: The fans of traditional Anger Management--with a statistically verified drop-out rate of 98%--don't want you to read this. Did you know that, for example in the state of Florida, anger management counselors are forbidden to teach the idea that abusers were victims of childhood abuse? Why would that be? What's their objection to the truth? Think about the logic here: They're saying that the one thing that is absolutely necessary to promote healing--overcoming childhood pain and trauma--is forbidden in the therapy! Talk about stacking the desk against yourself. No wonder the dropout rate is so high. Read the article and learn what the Anger Management people wish you didn't.
This one little report is the key to the entire difference between my philosophy and that of all the hundreds of people who will tell you to give up, leave, start over, move on and whatever else to break up your marriage. What's more, they're all making a mistake that goes against all the scientific research done over decades by people in the domestic violence field: Breaking up in and of itself causes danger at that point in time and for two years after. Wouldn't it be safer to find an alternative that worked, saved your marriage, and reignited your love? What's a report like this worth if it saves you from making the worst mistake of your life--and protects your safety too? It's invaluable, but I would sell it separately for $60.
BONUS #6
"What to Expect on Your First Visit"
*Learn the SIX things that definitely should not happen when you are in counseling--and if they do, run fast in the other direction.
*Learn the nine features of good therapy.
What value would I put on this must-have companion to BONUS #4: $40--and that's a gift.
BONUS #7
BOOKLET: "The Twelve Secrets of Making Affirmations Work for You"
If the other bonus offers were for your mind, this one is for your heart.
It's for your heart--and your soul--but interestingly enough, the way it works is through your brain. See, here's the trick about affirmations: They work by rewiring your brain -- But only if they're done right.
Let me explain what I mean: Doing affirmations--telling yourself uplifting messages about who you are--is wonderful and necessary when you don't feel good about yourself, but it comes with an inherent paradox: If you don't feel good about yourself, how can you say these affirmations with sincerity? That is such a good question! And I answer it clearly in the book. You will turn a negative directly into a positive and the degree of negative energy entering your heart when you hear verbal abuse will absolutely be turned into that very amount of positive energy inside when you do these affirmations properly.
Find out the 12 powerful secrets of doing affirmations that will change your life.
value: $85 -- a ridiculous price for a tool that you can't even put a dollar figure on. There are hundreds of affirmations books out there, but none with tools to teach you how to tailor your affirmations to your own, individual needs
You will have all these bonuses: the notebook binder, a CD of the text so you can pop it into any computer and follow the links, the fascinating look in the mirror by seeing the best questions that other people have written me--and my personal answers to them, the must-have report: How to Choose a Counselor, the report that Anger Management counselors don't want you to read: Is Couples Counseling Right When One Person Is Abusive?, the informative: What to Expect on Your First Visit, and the food for the soul: The Twelve Secrets of Making Affirmations Work for You, all totalling a $670 value. They are yours absolutely FREE. You will not find these insights anywhere out there and this material is not published.
What??DrDeb! You're giving away $670 worth of your valuable knowledge, skill, and information for FREE as part of this offer? That's incredible! But why would you do that?
My answer is simple: I want you to have this set in your hands RIGHT NOW! I want you to start reading the download immediately while you wait for your looseleaf binder, CD, and the other bonuses to arrive by mail!
The ebook itself is worth its weight in gold: The price is $139.
What's more, I'm putting my own money where my mouth is: This package is 100% guaranteed. Here is my iron-clad money-back guarantee:
I personally guarantee that if you don't want the book THE SECRET MARRIAGE KILLER: ERADICATING VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE anymore, then let me know and I'll issue you an immediate, no-hassle refund right on the spot. Take a year to decide. Plus, the free bonus gifts are yours to keep regardless, just for your trouble.
click here to print out my guarantee for your records
Here's my privacy policy:
PRIVACY POLICY
I will not share your name with anyone.
I will not use your name on my website or in my newsletter even if you freely send it to me in the form of a question or compliment for me.
I will not share my newsletter mailing list with anyone, no matter how much money they offer me.
If you're sick and tired of spam, so am I. Here's my anti-spam policy:
ANTI-SPAM POLICY
I hate spam and junk mail as much as you do. Therefore, my anti-spam policy is an OPT-IN policy. By purchasing the book, you have been included in the mailing list. However, at any time, should you wish to unsubscribe, simply follow the unsubscribe directions and your name will be promptly removed from the mailing list. NOTE: It's probably a good idea to put the email address of the newsletter in your address book so your filter will not treat it like spam.
Click here to buy this incredible book in a 3-ring binder with additional bonuses and then just follow the download instructions to start reading the eBook:
My best wishes for a happy marriage,
Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
P. S.
Here's a question that comes up for some people: "You seem to be saying the perpetrator must be involved for your method to work. What if I can't get him/her involved?"
I have two answers to that…
1. It is not necessary for your abuser to participate in working through this book. You will personally get so much out of it: You will help yourself to heal, grow, understand your past, obtain new and powerful skills, and then move on with your life.
FURTHERMORE, you will understand your abusive partner so much better that you will no longer react to him or her the way you used to. That alone is worth it's weight in gold. That alone is powerful enough to create major changes in your relationship.
2. NOTE: If you do the work by yourself, my approach is radically different from the approach of psychologists on the web who have also written books. Their thinking is, "Let's trick the abuser into behaving the way you want." Forget it. Game-playing does not work. And certainly not in abusive relationships. With my approach to working alone (if you must) you will grow. To me, that's what life is about.
On the other hand, what a shame that your partner will not have the chance -- unless he or she reads this book -- to HEAL. All the love in the world that you give cannot fill what he or she missed in childhood. Only self-healing work, specifically addressing the source of the pain -- using the exercises in this book -- can do that for your abusive partner.
But there is hope! Many people have been successful at getting their abusers involved in the process of learning and healing. Here are just a few of their stories:
Sally was on the verge of giving up. She alternately cried or screamed at Max. Neither worked. Then she read DrDeb's new e-book, THE SECRET MARRIAGE KILLER: ERADICATING VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE. At last, "the lightbulbs went on!" she exclaimed. It was wonderful. At last, she had answers. She had solutions.
But Max wouldn't read it. Max was afraid it was going to be full of "everything I'm doing wrong." And he sure didn't want that. He'd already been hearing enough of that.
Sally kept assuring him that it wasn't like that. It was kind and it was gentle. AND, it was helpful. "Oh, yeah," shot back Max, "prove it!" So, she did. She started to READ to him from the book. And that worked.
Sally refrained from putting in little editorial comments, otherwise known as needles. She didn't want to turn him off, not now, when he was actually listening. She read a little and then put the book down to allow it to digest.
Andrew had had years of verbal abuse about up to here. He was absolutely sick of it. What's more, he was genuinely afraid that now that their son was 6 years old, he would learn from his awful home environment that "women will hurt you." Andrew bought DrDeb's new e-book, THE SECRET MARRIAGE KILLER: ERADICATING VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE and realized that it actually could help. He already learned so much. But what about Jennifer? Could he get her to learn, too?
He coaxed and pursuaded, in his usual, kind way. Nothing worked. Then he remembered that the biggest thing he got out of the book was how to be assertive. "What do I want?" he asked himself. He knew the answer. It was either fish or cut bait by this time. He figured it was time to cut bait. He called an attorney. The man was clear, to the point. He took a deep breath, thanked him, and went home to sleep on it.
The next morning, he said, "Jen, I saw an attorney. This is it." Just that, and nothing more.
Jennifer actually dropped the dish she was holding in her hand, she was so startled. "No!" she cried, knowing that in front of a judge, she would not look like a fit mother. "No, no," she pleaded.
Then Jennifer remembered the e-book that Andrew had been asking her to read. Not that a stupid book could make a difference in her misery. But there was nothing to lose at this point. "Okay, okay, I'll read the book" she shouted.
"Whatever," Andrew answered. He was just tired.
But Jennifer did read it. After all, a divorce is incredibly costly--not just in dollars, but emotionally. Reading a book couldn't be worse. So, she read it cover to cover in one sitting. She was transfixed. Suddenly, she had a lot of answers to a lot of questions. Suddenly she understood her own pain better. Suddenly, she realized how very wrong she had been in the way she looked at Andrew.
"I've read it," she said quietly the next day, "and I'm ready to start working on myself."
That was music to Andrew's ears. Her attitude had changed overnight. That was clear from her tone of voice. "Well," he said to her, "I've got the attorney's card. I'll just forget it for now." He tossed the card in the desk drawer, figuring it would be available any time he wanted. But he would give his wife one more chance now that she had read the book.
Leah was startled as she read DrDeb's e-book, THE SECRET MARRIAGE KILLER: ERADICATING VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE. There, in the book, was her marriage! She wanted desperately to get some help for her husband, Dovid. She believed him to be a good person who just couldn't control his outbursts. He was always apologetic afterwards. The problem was that he felt so angry at himself and so small, he just couldn't face even the gentlest of reproaches. Anything that smacked of criticism would send him into a rage. How to get Dovid to read the book?
Leah had an idea. Carefully, she went through the book. Finally, she printed out just one paragraph from a box in Chapter Seven and hung it up on the refrigerator with quotation marks around it. Underneath, she typed "from DrDeb's book." This is the paragraph she chose:
"Step 4: Nurture yourself in other ways. The more you meet your own needs for yourself the happier you will be. Do you eat three good meals? Do you work in an pleasant environment? Do you get a good night's sleep? Take care of yourself."
Sure enough, Dovid noticed it. And it stopped him cold.
He suddenly felt himself having trouble breathing. "'Nurture myslef?'" he thought. "'Take care of myself.' What's that?" Curious, he went to the website. He didn't like the "THE SECRET MARRIAGE KILLER" part of the title there, but he certainly was intrigued by "ERADICATING VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE." "Okay," he said to Leah, "Where's the rest of the book?"
I can't begin to tell you the vast numbers of people who only started working on themselves with one sort of "assistance" from their spouse or another--but it works!
Click here to buy this incredible book in a 3-ring binder plus bonuses and then just follow the download instructions to start reading the Book:
Are You Still Not Convinced? How Can I Prove That You Can Get Good Results Too? Don't Trust Me - Trust These Folks:
"Your ideas are so refreshing and your book is very convincing, especially that you look at each side as compassionately, fairly, and non-judgmentally as possible."
CALIFORNIA
"I entered verbal abuse in the search engine and your website popped up as the first listed. Compelling? Yes, the words save your marriage caught my attention. I clicked on the linked and soaked up every page of your website.
Then I emailed a personal question/situation, because I was not sure that you can really learn how to stop and then heal from the damage, but you can!!!! which is exactly what you replied to me! I was so impressed that you yourself replied to me in a personal style email, not a computer generated one, that I stop and thought, hey this lady is really dedicated and interested in helping each and everyone out there who is seeking help. I bought the book and printed it out, to read on my comfy couch. I have marked alot of pages with notes, and comments, and have worked through a lot of it with my husband. We are both guilty of verbal abuse, and we are working on it together.
I left the page 29, 33 and 34 in front of the computer screen and then next morning when I went down to check my email, my hubby had filled in the applicable "abusive" behaviors he was guilty of! Amazingly, taking the first step to admit that there was a problem, was very easy for him to do, because of the way you delivered it.
Your suggestions are down to earth and written in a very unbiased way. A man or woman reading your book will not think that you are pro-man or a feminist. I think that all your years of hard work are evident in the book you wrote. I think you cut up your information in pieces easy enough to digest, especially for the "not so willing" person who might be handed the book by their spouse.
I can barely keep my excitement down when I think of how much this book has and will help us. I wish this information is given to 9th graders to read in high school, so they can avoid the many abusive relationships one sometimes goes through!!!!!!!!
Hoo-ray for Dr. Deb.
Dr. Deb really cares about each and everyone she helps, one couple at a time!
Thanks Dr. Deb"
MASSACHUSETTS
"I pretty much knew some of the stuff, but what I didn't know was how to approach the situation. I've starting "hearing what he means." Huge difference in my response. So I'm practicing how to say what I mean to him without putting him on the defensive.
I realized how ultra sensitive he is to my opinions, statements, etc.... I'm finding it very enlightening to learn how to talk to him and when I sense his defenses going up I realize he's feeling guilty, or wrong etc...He actually told me it was hard for him to believe I think he's great because his mother spent her time telling him how hideous he was... The change in the atmosphere at our house is really amazing and our children have even noticed the difference. The book was just one more stepping stone on a long road back for both of us. I am encouraged and feel really good about myself that I'm able to make the changes I have - so the book will be a big help in keeping going in the right direction.
I applaund what you are doing - how much of an uphill battle do you fight in the psych community? I have long pondered the question "why do they stay" (and have been given many answers to that question) and all the obvious ones do apply, finances,children, etc... but I believe there is one more that is often overlooked - because at some very gut level people know that there partner is fundamentally a good person with a really serious problem. I don't believe this is just a male/female problem but a much deeper social problem. How much could be done with a change in the paradigmn if we understood the parenting required not to create the problem in the first place, and a new way of treating the problem once it exists. There is so much right about your approach, I hope not only do you continue to help individuals but you are able to impact your work community also. Well that is just my viewpoint. And I'm not talking about an out and out sociopath - but just the common everyday families that this tears up generation after generation. Best of luck to you
Thanks so much"
CALIFORNIA
"You are the only source that really makes sense."
"Dr. Deb, Yes, it did download. Both my husband and I are totally immersed in it. You should have seen the connection in his eyes. Talking about an "ah ha" moment. Thanks again,"
CALIFORNIA
Dear Dr. Deb,
Your information is awesome! From your book to your newsletters. I am really trying to apply the information in your book regarding constructive criticism. I love the idea of finding three (or more) positive things to say before correcting, and then using questions. I still find it hard to use questions because I don't get good response from my daughter. But I am working on using that entire process. Working on this process forces me to put more thought into what I am going to say and allows me to root out things that I know will bring a negative response.
I believe my daughter is imitating my husband's abusive behavior patterns. She is very much out of control in her speech and actions. I know she is confused and angry. All of this makes normal conversation very difficult. She has developed victim thinking and blaming. This makes any kind of discipline difficult.
Your article on assertiveness came at just the right time. Because we are reading your book as a family, my husband has changed drastically in his conversation and is no longer outright verbally abusive. This has changed my behavior. I am calmer and not as angry and upset. Dealing with my daughter is still difficult. She feels we have messed up her life but like my husband has put the blame on me.
Because I have been applying your information on assertiveness, I no longer feel I am fighting her for control of conversations when I need to tell her things that I feel are important. The hardest thing to control is the volume of my voice. This is due to my childhood. But my volume is a lot lower and moving in the direction of complete control. I can already see the difference in my daughter. Our conversations are calmer and she is listening more and more. I can tell she is more at peace with herself and not as angry as she used to be.
We have begun counseling. Using your information on how to fnd a good counselor was invaluable. Although we all have our choices to make, I feel we now are all in the best position to get the help we need to heal, grow, and finally leave behind us this horrible destructive thing called abuse.
Thank you,"
ILLINOIS
Hi Dr Deb. I just purchased your book and I read 70 pages starting at 4 AM and now it's noon and I want to tell you it's giving me so much hope. I just keep writing in my notes exactly how I feel and I never understood why I feel this way. I am an abuser and I've abused my wife and I absolutely recognize this. I'm just thankful for your book--it's got real solutions.[a week later, same guy]BTW...we are so happy (maybe the happiest we've ever been in our lives). My wife feels like I am the husband she always thought I would be and so do I. There is a real sense of healing in our lives. My wife just lost her purse with $1,000 cash. I did not feel the least bit of anger or emotion run through me (before it would have sent me into orbit). I just said...oh well...too bad you'll have to get a new driver's license...and this was with NO effort. I'm not even trying to be a good guy. It feels like the logical connections in my brain have taken over that emotional reaction. I feel like I am on drugs that are controlling me from making bad decisions but I am not on any medication...I just feel healed and like the real me has stepped out of the shell and that I am OK...and that I knew I was a good person...I just didn't know why I treated my wife poorly...now I know why and don't need to continue to abuse my wife.
THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!
We look forward to meeting you and continuing to learn.
First of all your writing is very personal, intimate and close to the person who reads. secondly you desrcibe everything so vividly, that when you pause to explain the situation it is as if you are putting the actaul movie on pause. GREAT!
FLORIDA
You need to hear this: I found you over 3 yr ago and you were the only therapist on line who "had it all": the ADD, the holistic, the spiritual part and the actual cases of people. I have your e-book downloaded and printed and took it with me on a vacation - and that is all I read and I would share it with my husband but he dismissed me. What really helped me was when we went into therapy in 2004- right after my father died- and because I had your e-book I could tell she was the wrong counselor and everything played out in those sessions because I had a head's up. You must know that you are a spiritual gift.
FLORIDA
Hi Deb. I just wanted to say that I think you should do popular press books. Have you tried a publisher? Once again I notice how well you write for the general audience, and
you have the skills to back it up unlike a lot of hype that is out there. In otherwords, I find the style of your writing to be spot on for the general audience. Best of luck.
FLORIDA
I read your book last week and I think it helped me understand for the first time (I am 40 years old, married with a son 14 and daughter 12) what has caused me to be a verbal abuser and pushed me close to being a physical abuser.
I have been to see several counselors with my wife, but your book helped me to recognize some things that needed immediate action and I have spent the last few days in some deep thought about what to do next. I think it is time I spoke to someone about addressing some of my problems.
CONNECTICUT
I purchased your document online... it's wonderful! Finally found something in plain English, and situations we can relate to. My husband is in the middle of reading it,
and has admitted that he's stuck in victim thinking.... I'd like to find out what you suggest to help him get past this, he seems to really have some trouble. We are
currently separated, just to give you some background, but it's for the best right now. His victim thinking has permeated his entire life.
Dear Dr. Deb, I just wanted to say thank you for having your book on the Internet. I read half of it the same night I downloaded it, and you provided a lot of useful and practical information.
Unfortunately, my "husband" and I are already divorced, but had we a copy of your book years ago, maybe things would have worked out. I shared my copy with him, because I think it will be valuable in our personal lives. Actually, I think everyone should read it because it teaches people to communicate efficiently!
In fact, I believe all marriage/family counselors should be required to read your book! Thank you again for making a difference!
Dr Deb,
I think you're newsletters are great and give practical advice (the frequency is good too.) I purchased your on-line book last year and I love your approach. It's not blaming, but it does not let people off the hook either.
CONNECTICUT
Dr. Deb
My wife is seeing a counselor and so am I. So we each go to individual counseling and we were doing marriage counseling with my counselor. My wife has
elected to stop attending marriage counseling at this time - she will go if I ask her to. My wife is really likes Dr. Phil, hence my writing to him.
A prior counselor told me to read the book 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to recognize it and how to respond' by Patricia Evans. I recently read the book - cover to cover. I now understand that I am a Verbal Abuser, it's impact on my spouse and our relationship, a little about my childhood that contributed to this situation. I could not put the book down; the more I read the more I wanted to learn about verbal abuse, and most importantly, now to stop it! This book did not provide the tools or recommendations on how to stop it.
I then turned to the internet to find some answers. That is when I came across your e-book and web site. My google search on your name turned up several web sites that had information about you and your work. That is when I ordered the book. I printed 2 copies, one for me and one for my wife (since we do not live together at this time).
What have I learned: After learning I am a verbal abuser in Evans book and I began reading your book. I am very pleased to discover all the tools you provide in your book; the dialogue boxes to Reflect on, the How to. Victim Thinking, forcing yourself to look at the positive side of things, the partnership agreement up front (this is a big one for me) on how to handle future signs of abuse before it happens --- when my wife recognizes the signs, the tone of my voice, the jaw clenched, facial expressions -- give me the signal "TIME OUT" or what ever it is we agree on up front -- the signal that I am about to lose it and need to walk away and gather myself, my thoughts, my feelings, and regroup.
How to stop the escalation, how verbal abuse inflicts the soul, killing the trust and intimacy, generating hate, what name calling does. I am up to page 91 in the book. I do yellow highlighter and red underlines of key things that after I read the book I go back and focus again on those highlighted / underlined sentences.
Thank you for your research, your book, your follow up e-mails, your follow up lessons. Your work is what I have been looking for to help me recognize who I am and how to overcome / stop verbal abuse. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
MICHIGAN
Dear Dr. Deb,
Words can not express my gratitude and thankfulness for the benefits of the e-book on verbal abuse. I have been able to return to the person I used to be before I entered this relationship 10 years ago and heal so that it wouldn't be something I would ever get in to in the future. More than anything my children are seeing a difference and responding positively to the techniques I have learned in your book and relationships are being repaired!!!! I am
finished with the book and my husband is on page 101 at this time. I have been attending counseling for several sessions and my husband joined me on last week and I am hoping he will continue to support me by going.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!
WASHINGTON
The book has done us a lot of good in a short time. Your approach of not labeling or blaming helps diffuse anxieties and allows people to perceive the worst in themselves without anger or frustration. This makes the acceptance of issues and
responsibilities for problems easy to deal with. I have already recommended this book to others. I also have suggested the book to our counselor. We have both, my wife and I, accepted our roles and are changing our patterns. We are both having the best relationship of our marriage and are acting like teenagers. (married 32 years). You did a very nice job on the book.
I am a translator/proofreader of e-documents who just recently read THE most powerful, painful, and helful book about the subject of verbal abuse.
You would not believe how this book turned my (our) life around in just one day! Being in an abusive marriage, oops - married to a good man who acts badly and being a good wife/mother who acts badly sometimes, I read a lot of material about verbal abuse, in English as well as in [my other language], but never came across anything that can measure up to your book.
Anyhow, thank you very much for this book; the best money I spent in a long time. Knowing my "not yelling and screaming any more" at my husband and the kids as a reaction to my husband's verbal abuse and his sulking (the most painful part of all of it), makes the best Thanksgiving and Christmas gift for my family! Best of all, I don't even have to bit my tongue that often. Reading your book just made a light bulb go on and I darn sure don't give Edison credit for that. The healing is on!
Dear DrDeb,
Reading your book was very enlightening. I have been a bit depressed, I guess finally learning, and admitting that I have been verbally and emotionally abused for the past 22 years. We have been separated since the 25th of March. He has been fairly good about it. I told him I needed some time and space, and he has given it to me. The good part of this is that he is spending more time with our kids. He does not think he is abusive. He does admit his mother was abusive to him, but well, getting him to take a good look at himself, well..... I have given him a copy of the book, so....
Hi,
My wife found your book and tried to get me to read it; unfortunatly I never did till she left me a week later and am reading it now. I'm far from finished with your book, but it's the biggest eye opener I've ever read. It's me through and through. I was abused badly as a child and I've always thought that if I never so much as hint to the posibility of physical abuse, then I won't be like my parents, but your book shows another type of abuse that's just as REAL as mine. I called my step daughter a fat ass a year ago and I have frequently squaked at her and her little brother during our nearly 2 years of marriage. My wife is everything to me. She's my best friend. I try very very hard to do those little things to show her how much she means to me but I blow it when I feel victimized over little things because that's how I was raised. My wife left me. We still talk. I truly hope there's a chance left for us.
She has tried many times to explain to me what your book says over the last year. I never paid attention. I make good money now. I work very very hard and for many many hours a week, but that's not an issue. Another issue is she needs more security, with a better place to live (house rather then appartment) and more then anything a peaceful secure home for her
kids, which is why I'm writing you. Instead of giving her this first and playing later, I bought myself a motorcycle. She kept telling me to, but now I realize just because she said to doesn't mean she meant it. It's for sale now. I want sooo badly to be that person in her life she can trust and I want her kids to feel the same. I love her kids as my own, although her daughter has good reason to think otherwise.
I do have an appointment tonight for counseling, and I'll be there. But is there anything else I can do to get help?
When I thought I'd never hurt my wife, her kids, or anyone else, I never thought that my words, or my coldness would apply as hurt, but it did. I'd like to set up some kind of counseling for us if at all posible although I never asked her nor does she know I'm writing you. I want and need help doc and I also want to save our marriage. Please help us.
[6 months later:] I'm taking a break from counseling, but it turned my life around. I found out I suffer from anxiety and this plays into the victim role which really isn't reality, just circumstance. I've improved greatly although I still need counseling for life I assume.
Thanks for everything, CALIFORNIA
Just want to say I received the materials and started to work 'on me'. The first thing I read was all the shorter bonus materials. Then I covered my computer with sticky notes bearing my affirmations. I am deep into the e-book as well. My eyes have certainly been opened and I am putting what I am learning into thought and practice. This may or may not help my marriage, but it will certainly help me with other relationships, like my children, extended family and friends. In a nut shell, my husband is definitely going through a mid-life crisis, although he has a controlling and verbally abusive nature (apparently since I've known him (25 yrs), just didn't realize at the time we started out) it has escalated and I got lost in the mire. I am finding my strength again thanks to your helpful information.
NEW JERSEY
I have suffered with emotional pain for 20 of the 23 years in my marriage. I have been forgiving my family members for years but the pain did not stop. At a Christian healing conference last week I realized my love tanks were empty. I needed to find the source of the pain and inner healing. God is good and answers our prayer: I googled emotional pain, verbal abuse, and found your book. I realized my family is perfectly described by you on page 82-84 and I had to draw a line in the sand: counseling & behavior change or divorce. This is very painful to tell my children & spouse and I knew by doing this I was inflicting pain on them, not in retribution but in (die to self) love. I am not sure my marriage can be healed but I believe my children can heal and go on to find loving spouses & families. As a Christian we learn forgiveness, which I practiced to the best of my ability for years but without repentance & change by the abuser (me included) it will continue.
Thank you for being an answered prayer and a blessing to me. May God bless you.
FLORIDA
Dear Dr. Deb,
I am currently reading your book and find it very helpful and informative. Unfortunately, my husband and I have decided to end our marriage. He has been verbally abusive for most of the 8 years we've been together and I've left too many times to mention. I've even had a charge against me for domestic abuse because I was defending myself and he had ended up with a mark on his arm so I went to jail. Although that was the most humiliating experience of my life, I pled guilty so I wouldn't have any legal fees and he and I attempted to reconcile once again. The one good thing that came from that was I was court ordered to attend anger management classes although the safe house I went through profiled me as a victim.
That was 2 years ago and when we argue he threatens to call the police and have me thrown in jail again. He's even scratched and drew blood on his own arm and then threatened to call the police. And earlier this week he raised a fist up to strike me but didn't. And, after all those incidents he doesn't want to admit that he has a problem. I admit that I have no control over my temper once he pushes me too far.
The list goes on and on. He has issues with my family, children from a previous marriage, and friends (which I don't really have too many of). I believe that after all that I've read and researched it is time for me to end this abusive relationship. I hope that someday he decides to read your book and seek some counseling so that any future relationships will not end up like ours. By the way, I'm his third marriage. His first wife left him for another man, his second wife and he had a volatile relationship that finally had to end after 5 years (3 years together), and then there's me who he's been with the longest. I should have seen the signs back when we first got together but I didn't. And then when I did, I made the usual excuses.
Thank you for the wonderful book though and I'll at least learn what not to do in future relationships as well as what to do.
SIX MONTHS LATER:
Since that letter my husband and I have made another attempt at making our marriage work. I wish I could tell you that it was just your book that contributed to this reconciliation but that wouldn't be entirely true. I
believe that it was my daughter, her husband, and their faith in God that
inspired me and it was with her assistance and my own faith, along with
your book, that has given me the strength and courage to make my marriage work.
My husband isn't all of a sudden the perfect husband, however MY attitudes
and behaviors have changed and I believe that with God's help those
attitudes and behaviors will be passed along to my husband. And, so far
it has happened. With him I'm handling it one step at a time. As I take a step I discuss what I'm
doing and he listens and I see that he also applies the same step later on.
It makes him feel like he's made the change on his own without any
persuasion from me. I'm pleased with however he makes the changes! The
biggest realization for him was that it's not my responsibility to make him
happy or to keep him entertained. He now has a full-time job (which was
only supposed to be a part-time job) that he enjoys and he says it makes him
feel like he has purpose again. He had taken an early retirement from his
job 2 years ago and was doing absolutely nothing since I had
to work.
Love has never been an issue with us so that's what keeps me working on our
marriage, as well as for him. Looking for an easy way out with someone else
won't solve the issues we have within ourselves. That's what we've both
decided to work on.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with Joyce Meyer but her
message this morning was about turning to God first for help rather than
after you've exhausted all resources. And this is what I will do when
times are troubled between my husband and I.
Respectfully,
FLORIDA
Dear Dr.Deb: thank you so much for having your website and book available.
On Feb 26, two days before our 31st anniversary my wife cleaned out the house
and left me while I was at church. I was completely clueless that I was
abusive to her and our 3 children, the youngest now 18. She had left me a note
to please google "emotional and psychological abuse" and said She was no
longer a victim. I came across your website and found myself in the intro. I
never thought of myself as an abuser and would have denied it vigorously. I knew
we had problems and thought it was all her fault. She had cut me off
sexually six years ago. But I could not see it was because of the way I treated
her... after all I never beat her, I provided well for her and we had a
beautiful house on the lake all paid for, who could ask for more? She would not
council with the church or any other counseling with me because it all was the
same "Does he beat you? Does he provide for you? Does he run around? Do you
have a roof over your head? What's your problem?"
We looked like the perfect family, Dad in charge, happy obedient wife, 3
beautiful and high achieving kids. In all our years together I had never
touched her in anger, we had never even called each other a rude or bad name;
things that were done to us as kids.
I have read all kinds of relationship books, thinking "this is the answer"
but it would fall flat, because she would see that I just "did not get it" and
was trying to control her with my new information of how good I was for
trying.
I have been studying your book... and what a revelation....no one else made
it plain like you do. I found the abuse that I grew up in at home and my first
40 years in an abusive, controlling church. I found what and how of how I
treated my family and actually thought I had been doing the right thing. I
found the inner anger I had lived with, and every one else in my family.
I really love my Wife and in no way wanted to hurt her .. but I did.
I was finally able to meet with her last evening. A pleasant time at a
coffee house. She was really interested in your book, because my youngest
daughter told her "I think dad gets it now," and I had told her how your book is
unlike any other I had ever seen. It doesn't beat up the victim as so many
others do. I gave her a copy and she said she would check it out.
I am now in the process of healing. With God's help I am changing, and with
God's help we can be a family better than we ever were before.
Thank you so much for your help.
Hi Dr. Deb.
I have been reading your book. I'm only to page 56 right now. It's very powerful and
there is so much in it I can relate to and what I see can help my daughter as well as
my husband but again only if they are willing to help themselves. Right now I'm
attending church every week and praying everyday along with using your book which puts
me on a path not only of self discovery but tools which I can PRACTICE using in
situation I'm faced with here in my home with my husband and daughter.
I have realized from your book that even though I have been a victim of verbal,
emotional and physical abuse my whole childhood and dealing with verbal and emotional
abuse in my marrage that because of the abuser being so dominant that I never had
learned the proper tools to communicate my feelings because my feelings never mattered
to anyone so they never mattered to me and I realized I was becoming just like my
husband in retaliating the same way, pretty much treating him in the very same way I
was trying to convince him that wasn't right. I didn't like who I became because of him
and because of the suffering I didn't know how to cope; always blaming myself for
everything that went wrong.
Treat people the way you want to be treated is the way I believe and you can't teach
someone something is wrong if you are doing the very same thing.
With my husband the other night when he called on the phone around 9pm
after I had been trying to get a hold of him all day, and he said he was going to play
cards. I said I feel disrespected. He said what do you mean? I said you live as a
single person who doesn't have to be home at a certain time and just decides your gonna go
here or there without calling and asking how I feel about things. I feel like you don't
care about my feelings and I feel disrespected. Then he started talking about himself and I
said "This right now isn't about you its how I'm feeling right now and I wish you would
come home so we can talk." He said he can't take this stress I'm putting on him. He is
feeling like he is having chest pains and he doesn't want to talk about it. He had to
go and hung up. I called back a bit later to make sure he was all right even though I
knew he was. He always uses his health as an excuse when He wants to get out of
something. He was at the card game. I just let it go, but on my end even though
nothing changed with him I felt good that instead of yelling and arguing that I got
what I felt out, and it's a start to satisfy myself that I made it clear how I
felt. Well...its a start...
Dr. Deb I am just waiting for a credit card I have coming in any day now and I am going
to sign up for the phone councelling every Monday. It's rough for me but I will be
putting money aside not to let it get out of control. I really want to counsel with
you. I'm looking forward to it.
Thank you for sharing this book with me.
NEW JERSEY
Hi Dr. Deb!
I love your book and it is indeed the only one I've seen along it's lines. Everything
else states that it's probably important to leave the verbally abusive relationship,
and it's just a matter of when. You addressed that very well in your book.
I still haven't finished the book but I haven't waited to put it to use. I decided to
change my actions/reactions to things my husband says and does before I share it with
him. I wanted to do a little experiment to see if that alone would cause much of a
difference.
The results are that for about a week and a half he was "the perfect husband" and then
he blew up last night for what seemed to me to be an insignificant reason. Undoubtedly
something I said during the day must have upset him and he never addressed the root
issue, just let it escalate into an inappropriate reaction to a fairly benign question
(I told him I would like to make love).
The most important thing I have gotten out of your book to date is that he acts out
when he feels like a victim. I never realized before that he ever feels that way
because his verbal "attacks" can be so cruel that I don't care much what spurred them
on... they never seem justified. I do give him credit for knowing that he needs to
walk away for a while when he gets upset. He's better at that than I am. When I'm
upset I want to talk about things and he doesn't. He is able to talk about them days
later when they're not so emotionally charged.
Your book works nicely with my core spiritual beliefs. I have a Christian upbringing
and now have adopted "A Course in Miracles" as my belief system because it espouses a
combination of what I have grown to believe throughout the years as well as new ideas
that become "aHA" moments in my life. I've known for a long time that I tend to
mis-perceive things and overreact emotionally. I've tended to lean on the man in my
life for my ultimate happiness and yet I do understand that I am responsible for my
happiness. I sought out ACIM because I felt that I was constantly sabotaging myself in
my relationships and in other areas of my life. What I'm working on right now is to
take better care of myself and really learn to love and accept myself. I can really
see how what I think and feel about myself feeds the way others respond to me. Your
belief that you CAN create change in a relationship...that you dont' have to just throw
it out supports the ACIM belief that we will not "escape" our problems... they will
continue to come back to us through whatever relationship we are in. ACIM asks us to
see verbal "attacks" as cries for help. To learn to see another with empathy and love
is the goal.
I will share your book with my husband some time soon. I'd like to take him to
counseling if I can find someone who is supportive of my core belief system. It would
probably help if I joined a local ACIM group and make some friends who believe the same
thing.
My story could take a long time, so I'll end this email now by saying "thank you" again
for such a helpful book!
Sincerely
Hi DrDeb,
My husband and I started couselling first and it was during our first
sessions that I realized that I was being verbally and emotionally
abused. Before that I didn't recognize it , I just knew I couldn't
take much more. That is what brought me to your web site and to your
book. I have only gotten through the first 40 pages of the book, but
it has been a total "eye opener" for me. Although our situation is not
as extreme as a lot of the incidences in the book, there are a lot of
similarities too. I completely agree that the verbal abuse can turn to
physical abuse at any time and have seen flashes of it just under the
surface and threatening to happen. If I had been a more verbal person
I'm sure it would have happened before now, but by not provoking the
situation, is what kept it from happening.
My spouse is not working on this with me as yet, as he denies that what
goes on is abuse...he thinks he just has some issues with anger and is
mostly "just joking" and doesn't mean the things he says.
I'm trying to read him little parts from the book and I'm hoping he'll
recognize his actions and maybe become more agreeable.
All this information helps so much...Thank you,
QUEBEC, CANADA
So far my husband likes how you aren't taking sides. We're not too far along, so we'll
see how it goes.
UTAH
Hello Dr. Deb I can't thank you enough for your book it has helped us
so much!! If only we would have used it 23 years ago!
Thank you for
calling verbal abuse the violence that it really is. I have failed for all of my
adult life to see it in this light.
TENNESSEE
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